I'll be honest.

For a long time, I was very caught up in who I was. I was a mother of 3 small children who cared for them in our home. I was wrapped up in everything and anything having to do with kids, babies, parenting--you name it and I was neck deep in it. This is who I was.

Now their a little bit older. Five, four and two. You might not think that's older, but when you're with them every waking minute of every waking day, even a minute is a lifetime. So instead of saying they're older, I should say, they're more independant. And that independence has left me with a bit of a void. It's like the more they pull away, the bigger the gap in my persona. The less they need me, the more I'm forced to see what's left...what is really me and what is who I was then.

Maybe I should back up a bit and explain myself.

For the past 5 1/2 years there has been very little in my life but my kids, my husband and my home. And it was a wonderful whirlwind. Some days were bad, some days were worse and some days were just great. But every day was magical. Having 3 people completely and unabashedly relying on you to survive takes a lot of time and effort. Not to mention mental and physical stamina.

For years it just never ended. Diapers and wipes, feeding and burping, dressing and bathing, yes-ing and no-ing, sleeping and not sleeping. Crying and laughing. If you're a parent, you get it. If you're not, you won't get it until you go through it.

I'm not being snotty, it's just the way it is.

So now all of my kids can feed themselves, walk on their own, play by themselves, two of them are potty trained and they can all communicate what they want and need. My baby is two and she just doesn't need me anymore--not like she use to. I use to be their life line. Now I'm just their mother. Someone who disciplines them, feeds and clothes them, and kisses owies. Somedays I'm cool, most days I'm just the meanie who is constantly telling them what to do. But everyday I love them. They won't understand until they have kids of their own. I hope then they'll see how everything I did was for them and their well being.

Now here I am. A couple years away from being able to start a career of my own. A couple years until I'd like to know who I want to be when I grow up. And I'm afraid I'll make a mistake. It's nothing tragic, just a bit of anxiety over starting my adult life. I know who I was, but now I have to figure out who I am.

I won't ever write about fake crap. I'll never lie about what it's like to be married or have children. I'll always be honest with you and with myself. I'll always be myself. It's one thing I know I'm good at.