I just want to be alone.

Can't really explain it. I just don't want to talk to anyone right now. I'm up shit creek, too as I'm going to pick up my husband from the airport in about 10 minutes.

I just watched a documentary about an adult with Asperger's Syndrome and it took a lot out of me. I've never really thought about what my son's life will be like in the future. I've only ever thought of how he's doing right now. How he compares to other kids in kindergarden, how he copes with his surroundings. Watching what could be a movie about my son just tore me up.

I cried a lot. Mostly at what other people did or said to this guy. They were so mean. They had no compassion and no sense of what this guy deals with just to function in the average people's world. Not that I've personally gone through it, I just went into mama bear mode. I wanted to reach through the TV, spew every mother fucking swear word I know and kick them all in the nuts. How dare they. They couldn't put their insecurities aside and show a little compassion?

What am I going to do? The future isn't even here yet and I'm a mess about it. He's my son. My baby. My love. And fuck you assholes if you think I'm going to let you mess with him.

Fuck you.

I'm 29...really.

My 29th birthday was December 21st. Honestly, I feel about 25 or 26. My body has been neglected in the past 7 years due to my great desire to have children. I know some people can do it, but I can't. Jesus, I can't. Rather, I just look at it all and think, "fuck it." Then I go about just trying to maintian as minimal a mess as I can.

Compared to other people I probably do a lot during the course of a day. Being a mom who stays home with her kids is much trickier than it sounds. There is ALWAYS something to do. There is NEVER enough time. And if by dumb luck you find 15 minutes of free time, you don't want to do anything but sit. Or sleep. Or watch HGTV. Anything but what you do all day during your non-free time.

So back to my age. I really could care less how old I am. It's all how you feel and how you live. I've learned so much, there is no way I would go back to who I was when I was younger. And just like everyone ever told me, I do understand now that I'm older. And I watch my twin 16-year-old babysitters much like I guess people use to watch me. I smile on the outside, shake my head on the inside and think to myself, "you'll understand when you're older."

What will I learn in the next 29 years? And will I look back to this time and laugh at how I thought I knew everything? At some point life has to switch from a textbook to a storybook, and I really hope mine is a good one. I hope people love to tell it and everyone laughs when they hear it.

I'm not old. I never will be. I just hope my body can keep up.

I love naps.

I just put the kids to bed. The Packer game is on and I'm sitting back with my feet up surfing around. Soon, I fully intend on taking a nap. I LOVE NAPS. I'm so lucky that I can take one every now and then.

Sure, I've got laundry to put away, presents to wrap, dishes, cleaning, organizing, sorting, e-mailing and lots of the game to watch. But I've learned to nap now while I can. Everything else can wait. Sometimes my husband will come up from his office at mid day and see me sprawled out on the couch with my favorite blanket. He'll spout off some joke about how nice it must be for me to be able to take naps. I happily agree and snuggle in. I guess it's a 'to sleep; perchance to dream' thing. To go away for a while, but still be right where you're supposed to be.

Staying home with your kids is a 24/7 battle of mental stamina. You're on all the time. Even trying to go to the bathroom, I'm on high alert. I'm listening like an animal with my ears perked up, hoping literally not to be caught with my pants down. I use to try to do everything and I rarely took a sleep. Now I know better and I know it won't last forever. Pretty soon I'll have to get a job and I highly doubt my post-lunch guilty pleasure will live long after that. So for now...

See you in the funnies.

I'll be honest.

For a long time, I was very caught up in who I was. I was a mother of 3 small children who cared for them in our home. I was wrapped up in everything and anything having to do with kids, babies, parenting--you name it and I was neck deep in it. This is who I was.

Now their a little bit older. Five, four and two. You might not think that's older, but when you're with them every waking minute of every waking day, even a minute is a lifetime. So instead of saying they're older, I should say, they're more independant. And that independence has left me with a bit of a void. It's like the more they pull away, the bigger the gap in my persona. The less they need me, the more I'm forced to see what's left...what is really me and what is who I was then.

Maybe I should back up a bit and explain myself.

For the past 5 1/2 years there has been very little in my life but my kids, my husband and my home. And it was a wonderful whirlwind. Some days were bad, some days were worse and some days were just great. But every day was magical. Having 3 people completely and unabashedly relying on you to survive takes a lot of time and effort. Not to mention mental and physical stamina.

For years it just never ended. Diapers and wipes, feeding and burping, dressing and bathing, yes-ing and no-ing, sleeping and not sleeping. Crying and laughing. If you're a parent, you get it. If you're not, you won't get it until you go through it.

I'm not being snotty, it's just the way it is.

So now all of my kids can feed themselves, walk on their own, play by themselves, two of them are potty trained and they can all communicate what they want and need. My baby is two and she just doesn't need me anymore--not like she use to. I use to be their life line. Now I'm just their mother. Someone who disciplines them, feeds and clothes them, and kisses owies. Somedays I'm cool, most days I'm just the meanie who is constantly telling them what to do. But everyday I love them. They won't understand until they have kids of their own. I hope then they'll see how everything I did was for them and their well being.

Now here I am. A couple years away from being able to start a career of my own. A couple years until I'd like to know who I want to be when I grow up. And I'm afraid I'll make a mistake. It's nothing tragic, just a bit of anxiety over starting my adult life. I know who I was, but now I have to figure out who I am.

I won't ever write about fake crap. I'll never lie about what it's like to be married or have children. I'll always be honest with you and with myself. I'll always be myself. It's one thing I know I'm good at.